The Grad Mom Blues

Peanuts - 1 Momma - 0

2010-09-25T21:51:00.000-07:00

I study immunology, for my ph.d. work. As a result, I know a lot about how vaccines and allergies work. This became useful working knowledge when it came to parenting.

We waited the requisite two years before giving J peanuts. Today, he had his first bites of peanut butter. 2 hours later, he was crying in his room instead of napping; he was itching himself, and shouting 'ALLDONEALLDONEALLDONE'. I could see hives developing on his neck and torso. small ones. So I gave him Benadryl, and rocked and shushed him.

For the first 5 minutes, he got more and more upset, and I could hear him wheezing. I pulled his shirt up, and the hives had spread into huge blotches across his torso, into his armpits, down the backs of his legs. And all that knowledge, about priming, about mast cells and basophils, about histamine, it all came to nothing. All I knew was that my baby was miserable, and now faced a lifetime of having to abstain from a relatively common food.

I cried along with him, for about a minute. 16 months of breastfeeding, of me abstaining from peanuts while pregnant and nursing, of letting him play in dirt and eat sand and mingle with other babies germs at daycare (hygiene hypothesis), it was not enough to conquer genetics (my brother is allergic to peanuts) and other unknown factors. I couldn't... I CAN'T fix this.

So we cried.

Thankfully, the wheezing went away quickly, and the Benadryl brought his hives down to just splotchiness within 2 hours. He's allergic, but not acutely so. He didn't need a trip to the ER, or even to the Urgent Care Clinic. In short, J is just fine.

I wish I felt fine about it. Part of me still wants to cry.

Dear Baby J,

2010-08-25T15:32:00.000-07:00

I have so many things I've wanted to get down on this blog, but haven't had the time. Being a grad student and a mom simultaneously has been a tiring and time consuming experience. I won't pretend that one job hat doesn't take away from the other. It's inevitable for every working mom, really.

That said, I want to thank you for making it easier for me to stop and smell the roses. I could have hidden in the AC'd lab most of the day during the heat wave 2 days ago, but instead I let the nanny off early, and watched you and your little friend W splash about in the kiddie pool. I think I haven't been so relaxed in months, as you two shrieked and giggled and splashed your hearts out.

And I want to thank you for being YOU. Your father and I could tell within the first week of your life that you are an easy going, sweet and mellow soul. Sure, I get worried sometimes about how best to parent, but really, you teach us every day. You learned so early to communicate your basic needs, and now you even tack on 'p(l)ease' and 'sank (thank) you' with your requests!

And most of all I want to thank you for your daily affection. True, you are a daddy's boy; if your father is around, you'd prefer that he hold you at the store, or whatnot. But you still give me kisses every morning and every night, and it was to me that you first said 'iwuvyou'. I know that someday, you will stop saying it on a daily basis. But that's not going to stop me from saying it.

You're turning 2 soon, and I'm finally physically back to where I was before I was pregnant (as I write this, I'm wearing my number one favorite dress that I bought in college). But emotionally, academically, mentally, so much has changed. I think as a person, I am happier with myself and less driven by academic ego, although I'm much more hesitant about my academic abilities in general (yeah I guess those go together, huh?) Your father and I are tighter than ever; he's the father I always thought he would be, and even better of a husband than I imagined. A good part of this is because of you; your existence, your happiness has changed the lens through which I see my life, my relationships, my work, and sharpened that focusing point. After all, to be the best mom I can be, I have to love myself, and to love myself, I have to do the things that are important to me; bettering myself, bettering society by doing something to push science forward, bettering my relationship with your father.

I don't really know what I want to do with my career anymore, but I do know two things. One is that I do need to have some sort of career, to be a good mother. I want to show you that it's worth the time and the effort to try to do good in the world, no matter how esoteric a dent I make. And two is that it doesn't matter how much of a dent I make with my career, because the most important thing is you. Your curls, your eyes (just like your father's) your cheezy grins, your hugs. Thank you for taking the pressure off of my career. You're a lot easier to focus on!

Love,
Mama

2010-07-16T12:29:00.000-07:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking these days about what next, after I finish my doctorate. I know that I'm not going to take the typical academic track (ie, straight to postdoc, then attempt to get an academic research professorship). So what else is there?

One thought bouncing around in my head is to get involved in enabling science, especially for women. Below are a list of links that I found, which might be useful in sorting out my headspace on the issue.

http://www.engr.washington.edu/advance/webs/
http://www.womenswork.org/
http://www.aauw-paloalto.org/frameset.html
http://www.awis.affiniscape.com/displaycommon.cfm?an=1&subarticlenbr=212
http://anitaborg.org/news/archives/

small victories

2010-03-08T10:01:00.001-08:00

J handed my ass to me Friday night. My husband left us after dinner to do some grocery shopping; no big deal, I've watched J alone dozens of times before. J pooped his diaper; no big deal, I've changed a bajillion diapers before. I undid the diaper, and J commenced to throw the world's HUGEST tantrum. Arched his back, kicked his legs, screamed his little head off. In the initial throes of the tantrum, his squirms somehow twisted my thumb, so it was all I could do to hang onto his legs and keep him from rolling his shit covered ass all over the place.

So, really, J handed HIS ass to me.

I hung onto him for 10 minutes before he tired himself out enough that I could hold him with one hand and wipe with the other.

The whole thing made me want to hang up my mama hat and give up. I could barely change my own child's diaper. Fail.

This morning, J decided he did not want to put on a raincoat to go to school. And, to his indignation, I wanted to put mittens on him. Commence complete freakout. And yet, I got the mittens AND coat on him and loaded him up in the Ergo for the walk to the train station in 5 minutes.

Maybe I will survive to see him go to kindergarten after all.

oh, and if you see your mother this weekend, remember to tell her....

2010-03-04T11:31:00.000-08:00

My labmates are all exceptionally good at collaborations. One of them practically lives at another lab, where he does work with one of our classmates. Two of them are going over data right now on a project that they helped write a grant for, and just began work on a week or two ago. Others involved are talking about getting a small paper out immediately on the stuff.

Me? I'm not involved in any of that. I slowly poke along with my own stuff, and secretly stew over the fact that I'm not asked to take part in any of it. And I wonder why I don't take part in it. Part of me is sure that if I talked to my advisor about lending a hand, he'd push me off and tell me he doesn't want me to be distracted from my thesis work... which just makes me feel incompetent, because clearly my labmates can handle the distraction. Part of me thinks that if I just spoke up, they'd happily involve me. Part of me knows that it's not my field of "expertise" and that's probably why they don't ask if I'm curious... and then I wonder if I am in the wrong field of expertise.

Basically, I question my choices.

And it's not limited to lab.

A few weeks ago, we visited friends (with J) for the first time in months. J had a slight runny nose, leftovers from a cold that had blown by over 2 weeks previous. When our friend and one of their kids got a cold a few days later, we found out via an angry facebook status update by the father, basically blaming J for getting the entire household sick. Disregarding the social ineptness of that fun move, and disregarding whether J really was to blame, the whole thing had me wracked with guilt. Whatever was the case, it felt like our friends were judging us for placing J in daycare, and deciding that they no longer want to associate with us because of that choice. I felt so bad about it that I had to take them off my FB feed.

In general, since I graduated college, I've done a good job of owning my choices, and making the best of any situation without any sort of regret. Feels like I'm slipping on that account.

someone's baby

2010-02-25T22:40:00.000-08:00

One of R's old grad student friends lives about an hour or so away, and after 2 years, we finally had him over for dinner. We walked in the door, and J toddled towards us. "Say hi to Big J! He even shares your birthday!"

Eventually, little J went to bed, and we enjoyed a raucous dinner party with Big J, and my good friends C and M. A good amount of wine was imbibed, which prompted some oversharing on Big J's part. It eventually came out that the money from his well paying job is now enabling J to indulge in some hard core addictions, including drugs.

That development felt like a punch in the gut. J is a brilliant man. He has a science ph.d. from an Ivy League school, is a polyglot, is ridiculously physically fit and good looking... and yet, the very aspects of his personality which drive his need to know everything are also driving his addictions. He said himself that he doesn't expect to live past 40. As a friend, this concerns me.

As a mother, this breaks my heart.

It's such a cliche, but it's true: once you are a parent, the world looks completely different. The PG&E Olympics commercials paint these sentiments especially well. Everyone is someone's baby, and will always be a baby in his/her mother's eyes.

Big J is someone's little J.

I hug my little J that much closer these days.

Progress?

2010-02-22T09:17:00.001-08:00

I told myself a few months ago that I would hold out till my committee meeting before I made any decisions. It almost came crashing down on me in December, when one of my advisors threw me for a loop... I don't care to go into detail, bu it suffices to say that I walked out of his office, out of the building, and wandered around campus for at least an hour, nearly in tears. That night, R reminded me of my promise to myself that I wouldn't make any rash decisions, so I kept going.

To paraphrase the Olympic figure skating commentators, I think I managed to stick the landing. My committee meeting was over a week ago, and it went well. Not only have I managed to rephrase my negative data into a different direction, one which is heading someplace, a labmate also helped me generate some data for a different new project. It is distinctly possible for me to graduate in a year or two.

And yet, it's Monday, and I'm having trouble motivating myself. I still sorta don't want to be here.

I did last week. I was definitely riding a post committee meeting high. Did it really give out already? Things look promising, and I've made progress. But has my motivation made progress?

I'm still not ready to stop, and I'll take it week by week. But Mondays are hard.

the UBER resolution

2010-01-03T20:12:00.001-08:00

I just realized that there is a certain overarching theme in a lot of the things I want to change in the coming year, and that is this.

I am terrible at the follow through.

So really, what I want to do this year is finish things that I have started. That is all.

On that note, I am going to go finish a little sewing project I started yesterday. And tomorrow, I am going to finish data analysis from the fall. We'll see how many things I can finish by the end of the week.

also

2009-12-30T12:25:00.001-08:00

I had forgotten till now that when I started this blog, I backdated some posts from my original blog pertaining to grad school and motherhood.

Took a quick look at them now, and I feel a little deflated. I was so hopeful, so idealistic. It was easy to say those things. But to do them? I feel anything but idealistic now.

Now? I'm just trying to survive.

resolutions

2009-12-30T12:16:00.000-08:00

Wow, leaving that last post up at the top of the page for that many months is tantalizing.

Still here. Amazingly. Still trucking. I have a few resolutions I want to get down before I make attempt number threehundredgajillion at working.

- never leave data uncrunched longer than a week. You see that previous paragraph? There's a reason I am procrastinating. From here on out, Friday is reserved solely for crunching numbers from my week's experiments. ALL OF IT MUST BE DONE BEFORE THE WEEKEND.

- Go with my gut feeling. This applies to Everything. I think a large number of my problems this year can be traced back to me not following my gut, and refusing to ...

- Speak Up.

- Pick up and put away at least one thing every day before leaving a room. This applies to my desk and labspace as well. I've been resolving to do this every year for, oh, half a decade. Let's see if this one sticks.

- Listen. Especially to J. Now that he is learning to talk, and is so much more communicative, I don't want to tune him out. There's a reason that people (toddlers) get irritated and cranky; they need to be listened and validated. Myself included.

- Talk. Cultivate those friendships that have been neglected the past 2 years.

- Enjoy. Specifically:
- get cracking on the photography
- make a set of bowls in ceramics class for us, for the brother-in-law, make a teapot
- explore that sewing kick I've been on the past few weeks, and think about starting an etsy shop

if a scientist quits, does it make a sound?

2009-09-25T14:22:00.000-07:00

There is an eternal question that I suspect almost every scientist battles with at some point in his/her career. If the world is out there, and any given part of it is just waiting to be discovered, then what's the point in me doing it? Any other scientist could also uncover it. There is no personal footprint about it. If Monet hadn't painted those waterlilies, those paintings WOULD NOT EXIST. On the other hand, the laws of gravity just ARE. No, not just any hooligan could describe the laws of physics, but if one physicist hadn't done it, someone else would have.

This is what is causing me to struggle these days, I think. I see other classmates, other labmates, for whom it is second nature to ask the right questions, to see which holes need filling. Science comes easily for them, these days. But me, I am clearly flailing. So much so that my advisor wants to meet with me on a weekly basis, and I welcome it. I need the help.

So what's the point? Why should I bother? What can I bring to biology that no other person can? I don't see it right now. It's lost in a haze of pipettes and 96 well plates.

And what makes it all the more bleak is seeing J at the end of the day. His smile, his laugh, hugs. Now that is not something that would exist without me. Is this my true "legacy"? If so, why am I struggling my research? What's the point?

I know that many students mid-ph.d. struggle. I know a lot think of quitting at this point. I know that sometime soon, it is likely that it will all just gel together. But it doesn't make this experience any less sour at this particular moment. It just plain flat out sucks.

2009-08-01T09:58:00.000-07:00

I know that mid ph.d. sucks. It sucks for everyone. Countless times I've been told that everything presented in a thesis ends up being work done in the 4th or 5th year. It's an endurance race. Just keep going.

Ugh. Having a cute baby who is growing up before my very eyes does not make that process any more forgiving.

Am I stubborn/lucky/smart enough to pull through? I just don't know. I've had nagging doubts for the past 3 months, and I'm getting tired of it.

generations

2009-07-08T15:42:00.000-07:00

Over July 4th weekend, we traveled down to LA to visit my in-laws. The visit was punctuated by a bbq during which J got to meet a whole lot of extended family (both of R's uncles + associated families), and by the unveiling of R's grandfather's tombstone (for which aforementioned uncles were in attendance for)

J is the first of the next generation on both sides of the family, so he got a lot of attention. This was wonderful during the bbq... it meant that R and I could sit back and relax while other people held the baby. However, it turned rather bittersweet for the stone unveiling.

I was only a few months along with J when Grandpa died, barely even showing. R and I had so looked forward to introducing Grandpa to his first great grandchild. That said, there was a kind of "circle of life" aspect of bringing a baby to a stone unveiling. Grandpa left the world, and J came into it.

0-60

2009-06-16T16:30:00.000-07:00

whoa.

Now that I have my undergrad research assistant poking around here full time, looks like we'll be doing a TON of work. Her presence, plus the conference I just attended this weekend, has really put a fire under my ass.

Probably a good thing.

And J has started SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT. Lord, not a second too soon. I'll actually be able to get work done without being in a daze.

Sleep - enemy of babies everywhere

2009-06-10T09:40:00.000-07:00

J is 39 weeks old. According to several sources, there is a major sleep regression at 37 weeks; major brain development, in all likelihood, combined with teething, etc. J slammed into that regression hardcore a day or two before he turned 37 weeks. He went from a single brief waking for nursing ~3am to either screaming his head off, or babbling and trying to play for an hour or two. at 2am. Wonderful.

Two weeks later, and he's still struggling to sleep at night. It doesn't help that last week, he transitioned into the next room at daycare (from infant to mobile babies). His daily routine is a bit screwed up so naps are wonky. Food schedule is wonked up. He got a major case of hives from being put in someone else's diapers.

Not a whole lot is getting done at lab anyways; end of the quarter ends up being a wacky time for everyone. Plus, the end of this week, the whole lab is going to the annual immunology conference that we always attend.

I'm hoping that J settles down soon. I have a lot on my plate for this summer. Between TAing for the high school summer internship program that my boss runs, supervising an undergraduate research assistant full time, and starting up a new project with a labmate, I need to start planning for how things will go once fall quarter starts and I drop down to 3 days a week in lab. And somehow, a weekend trip to LA, a weeklong camping trip at Mammoth Lakes, and a long weekend visit from old college friends also fits in there.

It's going to be a busy summer. Can I get some sleep, please?

2009-05-19T15:50:00.000-07:00

This weekend, my middle brother graduated with his ph.d. in mech eng. It's looking like my youngest brother will finish HIS ph.d. next year. And, yes, I took a pretty long break and switched fields significantly, so it's not like I am losing a race. Except I am. No. Yes. Well, you get the idea.

The sort of infuriating thing was talking to my youngest brother about how much is left before graduating. We started the conversation after I saw a video he had made of a nifty little self device he designed that, when combined with multiples of itself, can assemble into any shape. I told him that I basically had no data whatsoever, so graduation is a long way off for me. He replied that he didn't have any data either. Um. What? Dude, you have THINGS THAT SELF ASSEMBLE. Me, I have A YEAR OF NEGATIVE DATA. The two are incomparable.

At least I have A BABY. Can I get a ph.d. for that?

On a side note, major claps to my parents. How on earth did they manage to raise three children who are all in/finishing ph.d. programs? And we're all relatively normal human beings to boot!

2009-05-13T14:20:00.001-07:00

I just got an email from my dad. Pretty much the only thing in it is him expressing his excitement to see J tomorrow, when we fly into Pittsburgh for my younger brother's ph.d. graduation. This may seem like a small thing, but reading the email gave me bit of a thrill.

I've not ever had a close relationship with my dad. In fact, most of my adult life, I haven't had much conversation with him. He's just one of those stern, stoic Chinese dads. I can count on one hand the number of times I have seen him emotional. He cried when we went to his father's grave in Hong Kong when I was 5. To my extreme shock, he cried when he dropped me off for my first day of freshman year of college. It was less of a surprise when he shed tears just before he walked me down the aisle at my wedding. And he hugged J close and cried just before he left at the end of his visit in the fall.

In fact, I feel like our relationship really turned around when I got pregnant. In the past, I'd call home, he'd answer the phone, and immediately hand it to my mother. Suddenly, he had questions. He wanted to know how I was. How I felt. And after the baby came, so did the emails. He wanted videos of his grandson, photos, to know how J was doing at daycare, what was he eating, how was he moving, etc etc.

I am happy that we are close geographically to my in-laws, and of course, it matters to me that I am in one of my top choices of grad schools. But sometimes, I feel bad that we are cross country from my parents. I think my father has been anticipating the joys of grandparenthood, and I wish that he could see J more often.

I wonder if he will cry again when we leave on Monday.

2009-05-12T14:40:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting at my desk at school, staring at my lab notebook, which consists of a 3 ring binder stuffed with paper. It's at least 3 inches thick. A little over one year's worth of data. And here I am, contemplating walking away from it.

No, not walking away from school. Away from that project. Possibly away from that entire area of research. Don't wanna be the one trick pony.

I'm alternating between being freaked out, and being excited. Here's hoping I haven't found yet another way to extend my time here.

GRFP Activities Report

2009-05-01T13:08:00.000-07:00

As an NSF GRFP recipient, I have to write up an annual activities report, summarizing my work from the past year. This was due today, the same day that I had to give lab meeting. I am happy that I am finished with both, but it ended up being a bit of an ego-blasting experience.

Frankly, I feel like my research is tanking. I know that's not actually the case; I have been developing a protocol and there are lots of things for me to control for, and who knows, maybe I will have it working next week. But it's hard not to look at my past year's worth of negative data and feel my stomach sink down to the ground. I've become a one trick pony that can't even perform the single trick.

In my semi-depression as I was finishing up my work last night, I ended up getting punchy and adding this blurb to the end of my activities report:

"Finally, I have begun a two decade long experiment in human development. In September 2008, my first aim was completed with the birth of a healthy 8lb 5oz son. Currently, I am continuing work on my second aim of raising the boy to school age, while working on my Ph.D. full time. "

I know this is the frustration and emotion talking, but I'm not even sure if I want to continue with that second aim. That said, when I talked to R about my misgivings, I phrased it as "giving up" .... implying that there's something that I want to work towards (the phd). So. Look at me still talking when there's science to do.

commuting via public transit with a baby

2009-03-12T13:23:00.000-07:00

I take a combination of trains and buses to get to campus. And J attends a daycare on campus, so he comes with me. It's really quite interesting to watch other commuters' reactions to him.

The great majority of people on public transit during rush hour are traveling alone to/from work. In general, everyone is in their own head, either gearing up for the day's work, or gearing down for the evening. J doesn't have these sorts of mental exercises, so he busies himself staring at everyone else, and sometimes babbling loudly in an attempt to interact. He's generally the only one in the car/bus who is trying to break down the barriers that commuters keep up during their commute.

He really is such a flirt, it's ridiculous. He'll stare at people, one by one, for minutes at a time, until he can get someone to look back at him. At this point, he smiles and will often try to talk. I'd say that he manages to get through to about half of the people he tries this trick with. It seems that older folks, and women, are more likely to try to talk back to him.

In any case, I'm getting used to lots of compliments. "what a cute baby!" Don't I know it. You should see him at 3:30am, he's really cute then.

community

2009-03-10T13:25:00.000-07:00

One of the things I decided would help me to be more mentally functional was to seek out others like me, with whom I could share triumphs and commiserate over defeats. I happened to get an email notification about a women in science organization that puts interested women into small groups around campus; each group meets once a week for discussion. So I replied that I was interested, and ended up in a group with 1 mother of twins, 1 pregnant lady, and 1 woman engaged to be married soon (amongst several other women).

I've been to 2 of these meetings, and have mixed feelings. The first get together was very affirming; lots of discussion about it being ok not to know what's next, taking things one day at a time, etc etc. Today, however, was veering way to the negative side. The women talked about a plethora of bad advisors/mentors, about the extreme pressures of academia... and I felt almost like I was being talked out of doing it. On the other hand, I guess it goes to show that I've also chosen really good places and advisors. So all in all... meh? This sounds very high and mighty, but in some ways I am a step ahead of these women, because of my great bosses, because I started grad school late and so some of my priorities are all kinds of different. On the other hand, I still started late... and the priority shift may become an anchor.

At any rate, it's still a good thing for me to be attending these meetings. No (wo)man is an island, after all. I don't think I'll really have many mom friends (and I'm not at all concerned about seeking them out; I am content with friends who have become moms) but it IS really nice to have a sounding board of women in my field.

2009-03-02T13:55:00.000-08:00

I spent much of my morning in a talk given by a post-doc candidate. She's probably around my age, which made me feel a smidge sad about my own progress. Of course, that's being harsh on myself; I did wait a few years before starting, after all.

It got me thinking about what I'll be thinking of doing when I finish my doctorate. Seeing presentations like these gets me all inspired, and contemplating cities/labs I'd be interested in post-docing at. I still don't seem to want to consider that I might just stop and worry about the kid(s). After all, that's what I want R to do, right?

Then, something occurred to me that I am ashamed I have not thought of. How is it ok for me to assume R will quit his job, after having attained a ph.d.... but not ok for ME to think about doing the same? Why won't my ego let that possibility float?

daycare colds can kiss my ass

2009-02-16T13:55:00.000-08:00

J has been in daycare for 2 months. I think I've been sick for 3/4 of that time. This last cold I got on Wed put me in bed Thu-Sat, and I was snotting up blood towards the end of that time, so now I am on antibiotics. Woooooooooo!

We'll see if the frequency of colds goes down with J's new daycare. Sheesh.

so what's selfish?

2009-02-10T13:54:00.000-08:00

I decided that I was cold, and wanted a nice long soak in the tub. As the water rose, I poked at my bellybutton, which had become dark brown during my pregnancy. (oh lovely linea negra.) I rubbed at it, and to my surprise, the dark skin came off, leaving my old familiar pink navel. In fact, looking down at my body, I realized that I am largely my old self physically, with the exception of my expanded breasts.

This got me to thinking about my old self, and what my old self would be doing now if I was actually still my old non-mom self. Instead of playing hookey and doing some amount of self wallowing, I'd be in lab, working on my ph.d. thesis work. Which I can't fathom at the moment. I'm tired. I would so much rather be home. I chided myself a bit for being selfish.

But really... what's selfish? Is it selfish of me to want to be home with my child? Or is it selfish of me to want to further my career? Is it selfish of me to hang onto that idea of me being the breadwinner and R being a stay at home dad? Or is it my ego that wants to keep that goal?

Ultimately, it's a non-issue.... unbelievably, my grad student stipend is required for more than just daycare costs, so I can't just quit. Or am I just making excuses?

2009-02-04T13:54:00.000-08:00

I think a big part of my mental spaz-out last week was not only feeling overwhelmed, but being extremely unfocused. This was partially cured by sitting down with some of my labmates and my advisor, and beginning to hash out what it is I need to do for my current project, what we need to do for a new (and super exciting) project. And tomorrow, I'll be chatting with my advisor about my thesis in general; do I continue my old project? just concentrate on the new one? Having his input will help me focus down quite a bit, I think.

The other big thing is that our daycare situation is going to be changing soon. After being on the wait list for a year, (yes, you read that right... we got on the list as soon as we found out we were pregnant) J finally is at the top and there's a spot open at the on campus daycare of our choice. Only problem is that it's 400 dollars more a month than where he is currently. But the curriculum (Yes, babies have curriculum) is much more interactive, and it would allow me to control his schedule, instead of being at the whim of R's 6am wakeup time. Have I mentioned I am not a morning person? I think a good chunk of my insane-ness has been having to deal with 6am getup time. It absolutely drives me bonkers, and with the terrible quality of sleep I have been getting, I can't seem to deal with it.

The compromise is that I will be doing a TA job this summer, which will bring in a few extra thousand dollars. This would cover the extra until fall, at which point I would pare down to a MWF schedule... and this is possible because I am planning on finding an undergrad who wants to do research and training him/her to help with my research.

Even with that compromise, money is tight. And with a possible pay cut looming large in R's future, R is uber stressed out about it. We're not dipping into savings yet, but the possibility of having to do so is not appealing. So now we're looking into cutting back on our cable options, clipping coupons, energy saving measures to save on our electricity bills.

It's a different sort of stress than 2 weeks ago, but at least I feel like I'm doing something.

when a husband tries to fix things and it backfires

2009-01-28T13:52:00.000-08:00

So much for actually making a daily note. I guess I should instead congratulate myself for having made it into lab 2 days in a row. That hasn't happened in 2 weeks.

In a way, being in denial about feeling depressed was way better than confronting it. Having to choose to do anything has been somewhat paralyzing in and of itself. And admitting that one is going slightly off the deep end is not comforting. Add on top of that a husband who, at times, is not terribly empathetic, and it all makes me want to crawl back into bed and sleep again.

I know he doesn't mean ill. R is a very practical man. He's pretty much as close to Spock as you can get. If he decides something is wrong, he fixes it. That's that. So it was his way of trying to "fix" me when he told me, last night, to just stop being tired and get up in the morning without a fuss, it isn't hard. I wish it was as easy as him saying it. And he truly doesn't understand that. He doesn't understand that I feel positively CRIPPLED these days. That deciding to do anything is fraught with implication, and I get overwhelmed. That I am so tired in the mornings that I truly can't function. I tried to explain, and he told me to stop making excuses. Which implied that he thinks I am being a lazy ass who just doesn't have the backbone to deal... well, that made me feel completely and totally awful and a failure.

R knew something was wrong when, 30 minutes past my bedtime, I turned on the shower. I was almost shaking, I was so upset. I needed to calm down, and that was the only thing I could think of to do it. It's not like I could leave the house for a few hours. I couldn't even sleep in a different room for the night; J would need to breastfeed in 2 or 3 hours. I think I stood in the shower for an hour, just letting the water run over me, almost burning my skin. I needed to thaw out, to overheat, so I could cool down.

And then, when I finally started to wash my hair, clumps of it came out. At first, I watched it accumulate on the wall as I disentangled it from my fingers over and over again, and I started to panic. How much was going to come out? Would I have any left? I contemplated getting out of the shower and taking scissors to it to rid myself of the ever present looooong hairs that I have been shedding since early this month. Maybe cutting it off at the shoulder would be a relief. Finally, it occurred to me that I should just take the hair left in my head, and make do with it. Just as I should take what I have left of myself, of my grad school project (not minimal), and make the most of it. And somehow, that thought calmed me down enough to finish rinsing off and get out of the shower.

It still took me another extra hour to quiet my brain enough to sleep, so it is extra amazing to me that I did make it into lab this morning. I'm still having trouble forgiving R for his gaffe. Perhaps because I feel completely disrespected and looked down upon. Which is ridiculous because I know he loves me and wants me to be well. I just wish he would try to understand what I'm going through.

ppd? or just normal grad student blues + exhaustion?

2009-01-23T13:49:00.000-08:00

All this week, every day, I have felt pretty numb. And exhausted. Beyond exhausted. Even when I get 9-10 hours of sleep. (interrupted of course.... i haven't had more than 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep since, oh, July of last year.) I have been avoiding lab (went in for only 6 hours on Tuesday), avoiding my online D&D game with college friends... avoiding lots of things.

Once or twice, R has looked at me funny and asked if I am ok. Today, finally, I think I am realizing I might not be. Skipping lab for the 3rd day in a row to sit around the house in my pajamas can't be a good indication. But untangling what is wrong is not so simple. Sure, there could be postpartum depression going on. But breastfeeding is TIRING. put on top of that that almost every grad student I've talked to mentions having a freakout mid 3rd year about how he/she has gotten nothing done, and, well, it makes sense that I am feeling all out of sorts.

comfort food

2009-01-22T13:49:00.000-08:00

IMG_1470
Originally uploaded by dailyomgwtf

I grew up eating Cantonese style soup noodles, the kind with thin yellow egg noodles in broth with bok choy and stewed beef. However, while pregnant with my son, I developed a taste for the thick, homemade noodles at this one noodle shop downtown.

I've been feeling pretty down about everything lately (deadly combination of grad school project stagnation, my son teething, accumulation of sleep debt, and shitty weather) but a hot steaming bowl of goodness like this can at least make my stomach feel good.

and then there were three

2008-09-17T13:47:00.000-07:00

It had been a running joke amongst R's family that J would be born on 9/9; after all, R's grandpa was born on 1/1, R's dad on 8/8, R on 10/10... and sure enough, R's son waited 4 days past due date, to be born on 9/9 (in labor and delivery room 9, no less). My parents were thrilled with the date as well, as 9/9/08 are good numbers in the Chinese language; 9 sounfd like forever, 8 sounds like prosper. Interestingly, the Chinese name we chose for him means "forever, rare jade".

Labor was maybe 20 hours, with an epidural about 12 hours in; that almost seemed like cheating, as it turned labor into a simple waiting game, but I'm so glad I got it. The Lucille Packard hospital staff was absolutely wonderful; every doctor and nurse with whom we interacted with was so patient, so nice, and it made our hospital stay a really positive experience.

R has been, of course, a great partner and father. The first day after birth, while I was really out of it, he completely took over taking care of J. To this day, over a week later, he still changes almost every diaper (and boy are there a ton of diapers... glad we are doing cloth, I shudder to think about the sheer volume of disposable diapers one child would contribute to a landfill). R has one more week off work, then 2 weeks on half time; I will really miss him when he's back to work full time.

As for me, recovery has been, as I anticipated, harder than labor (the lack of sleep doesn't help) but is going smoothly. J eats like a champ, so the wacky schedule is worth it. It's really nice to be able to roll over in bed again. And I wish I'd had these sized breasts 10 years ago!

I head back to school when J is 6 weeks old, and my mother will take care of him till he is 10 weeks old, at which point he heads to daycare. While I am absolutely loving this new little man in my life, I am also looking forward to getting back into a (likely scaled back till New Year's) routine in lab. In the weeks immediately prior to J's birth, I was slightly worried that I might want to quit my ph.d. pursuit after he arrived, which would be a shame, given how much effort I and my thesis advisors have already put into it. But, a week post partum, I can definitely detect that I miss science, and I am sure that I will not lack the motivation to work on my thesis. In a way, I am really thankful that the desire to work is still there. My life is obviously changed, and I fully embrace motherhood. But the other aspects of who I am are still there, I'm still me. Which is great; I rather like who I was and what life was like before I was pregnant, and J's arrival is only making it better.

2007-08-02T13:47:00.000-07:00

So far, it's been a hectic, stressful summer. But I've passed my written quals, finished rotation presentations, and started in my thesis labs. I've had the support of so many people, my labmates, my classmates, my friends. Most importantly, R has kept me steady and moving, as he always has the entire time I've known him.

I've known R for almost 10 years now. We've been through 4 years of college, a master's degree, a ph.d., 2 cross country moves, 3 cats, and various family crises on both sides. Together, we bought the first car I've ever owned, and just yesterday, we got the keys to our first home, a 2 bedroom condo here in the Bay Area.

Last night, when we finally were both home from work/school, we packed up our first boxes to bring to our new home. At the last second, I pulled our Ketubah down from the wall. We were really happy with our Ketubah; not because of any religious significance, but because it is a beautiful symbol of our two families coming together, and of the new family that we have formed. So it seemed appropriate to place this symbol in our first home, on the eve of our 4th wedding anniversary.

R, thank you for encouraging me to be my best, supporting me when I'm at my worst, and being such a blast to be with. Happy 4th Anniversary, love, and may we have many many more!

Our cross country trip

2006-11-23T13:46:00.000-08:00

We packed our lives up in this crate, which was delivered to our door about 4 days before we drove off. Everything was placed in there, except our computers, 1 suitcase of clothes, the cat, an air mattress, and some blankets. We didn't quite fill it to the very top, but we did come pretty close.

We set off at 8am, with the aforementioned items carefully packed into our Prius. Poor Wirt didn't have a lot of room to move around, and he ended up spending the great majority of the trip sprawled out in between our seats.

The first two days of our journey was pretty boring; we drove pretty much continuously till nightfall to Toledo, then to Sioux Falls. Around noon on the third day, we passed through the Badlands, which were blazing hot and amazing.

We couldn't really walk around much, else poor Wirt would have baked in the black car. At least we were traveling in style!

The scenery remained majestic as we passed into Wyoming. I thought of Laura when I saw this ridge.

The fourth day we spent exploring Yellowstone. By this point, Wirt was pretty used to being let out of the car for short spells on his leash. We took him out for a few minutes to see if he might like the grass, but I think there was too much new stuff to smell, and he hurried back to the car.

I did manage to capture this image of him, which is I think my favorite photo of him ever.

Since the weather was much cooler, we were able to leave Wirt in the car for 30 minute spurts and do some more walking around. Having grown up in the vast suburb that runs from Boston to DC, the sheer immensity of open space was nearly overwhelming. It was breathtaking, and I really hope that someday R and I can return with camping gear and really do some exploring.

Of course, there was the obligatory collision course of nature with tourism.

The fifth day, we passed the Grand Tetons into Nevada.

Finally, at around lunchtime of the sixth day, we arrived in Palo Alto. Not bad, for having spent a whole day in Yellowstone.

Gender and Science

2006-07-13T13:45:00.000-07:00

I met Prof. Barres at my Stanford interview weekend; he gave a talk about the new Master of Medicine program (which I came very close to applying to, it sounds like a fantastic setup). It also turns out that he is a friend of my current boss. Small world.

In any case, he just had a piece published in Nature that is stirring up some controversy. He has the unique position of understanding what it is like to be a woman as well as a man in science; he used to be a she. (and no, when I met him, I had absolutely no idea of that.)

My rant on why there aren't more women in science only touched the tip of the iceberg. I was thinking along the lines of support for the women who do manage to make it. There's still a long way to go to help those who are capable but never even get that far.

*ETA* apologies to those who cannot get a free copy of the article. A summary of it can be found here

the weaker sex

2006-02-21T13:44:00.000-08:00

Looks like Larry Summers is finally resigning. I can't say I'm surprised. He sure made a mess of things PR wise. But whether you think he was right or he was wrong, one very good thing has come out of this situation; the academic community is working even harder to make things better for women in science.

Given that I've been actively working towards going to grad school for more than a year, and that I am 26, I've given a lot of thought to the whole "women in science" issue. It is my impression that most incoming grad students are no more than a year or two out of college, and not married. Therefore, having been out of college for 5 years, out of grad school for 3, and married for almost 3, my focus is a bit different from the typical incoming grad student. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe that is part of the problem.

There are always exceptions to the rule, but by far the majority of science students finish their ph.d. in their late 20's. By then, the biological clock is ticking pretty strongly (forgive the cliche). Additionally, one becomes more aware of any sexual bias in the field, since graduate studies revolve around the lab instead of in classes. Combine those two factors, and the harsh road that leads to tenure, and it's no wonder that women like Amber Post are opting to turn away from academia. Why should we subject ourselves to being ignored by our peers because of our sex, to wrangling for maternity leave and feeling societal pressure to be primary caretakers of our children, in addition to the normal grind of being in academia? It's much simpler to opt out. Even my own mother, who has always wanted me to succeed in science, told me last year that "one ph.d. in a family is good enough" and advised me to take the easy route.

I'm not saying that a woman in her young 20's doesn't realize such a dilemma exists. But I don't think one can really comprehend it until one has reached the point where one can actually start planning for a family. Which I have. Don't get me wrong; I'm not implying that I am some font of wisdom. It's just that there are some things you can't comprehend till it happens. A couple I know lost their child halfway through pregnancy. I certainly feel some amount of empathy for them; I want to have a family, and I can imagine what a horrible blow this must be. But I dare not say I KNOW how they feel.

So I imagine that the majority of women start their ph.d.'s without really thinking hard about the issue until they're almost done. By then, it's too late; they're bitter about being treated differently, they're unused to thinking about the family vs career dilemma which till then was only a phantom of the future, and there isn't a sufficient setup to accomodate women starting families and careers simultaneously. And so most women finish their ph.d's, and leave.

Unlike other science grad students in their late 20's, I *haven't* started my ph.d. yet. And so coupled with the disadvantages (being limited to certain cities because of R's job possibilities, having to readjust to student life), is the advantage of some additional foresight. We know we want to start a family before I'm 30. We know we want to find a community that is friendly towards people like us. I know to be keeping an eye out for universities that have safety nets for its women grad students, which are cognizant of the choices we have to be making.

I couldn't help but notice that Amber Post is at Princeton... I have heard that the environment at Princeton can be old-school, misogynistic. Would she have chosen to attend if she'd started at age 25? I'm not saying that all women who want to go into science should wait till they are older to start their degrees. However, I think that this situation does behoove those who ARE older, those who are already in academic positions, to think a bit more about where they choose to work, such that we can begin to foster better communities for women in science. In that manner, places which aren't as friendly are either forced to change, or fade away.